It's all a little weird.

I haven't blogged since September!? What?! That's far too long. And too much has happened. How can I possibly catch up? I had a birthday, we moved again, Cody got a new job, I got a new job, there was Halloween, Thanksgiving, Cody's birthday and Christmas. There was the pregnancy excitement and then sadness. There was stress about doctors visits, medicaid, and then the emergency room visit. There was family illness and friend illness. Now, it's New Year's Day and we are planning to sell our investments, buy a car, and move back to Idaho once Cody has secured a job. All since little ol' September. It's a little much, and I might be a tad insane. Did I mention that since then that Atrion has pooped on his floor 10 times? That's 10 times too many, if you ask me.
I think I want to write about the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life in this post and then catch up with the good stuff at a later date.
Since Atrion turned one, Cody and I have discussed occasionally when we wanted to have another baby. Finally, when Atrion turned two, we both agreed that it would be a wonderful time to add a new member to our family. I started my job at a new chiropractor's office and we moved to Memphis a month later. I was feeling sick, tired, and nothing sounded good to eat. A week later I ate almost a whole gallon jar of dill pickles over a few days. Pregnant! The stick confirmed it. We were very excited. We couldn't even wait for too long to tell anyone. I was 6 weeks along when we told everyone. Which is too early. I knew this. But I was excited.
I had been doing everything I was supposed to. Before I was pregnant, I had a pre-pregnancy exam and starting tapering off my anxiety medication. I was taking prenatal vitamins and going on nice walks with Atrion. I felt good. Stressed about work and money and our trailers, but still good.
Then the morning sickness hit and I quit my job to relieve some of the stress and be with Atrion more. I was tired all the time. Very similar to my first pregnancy, but I didn't have a two year old demanding my time back then and I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I was grumpy and hormonal. I would jump from being extremely angry to bawling my eyes out and then feel guilty for doing both of those things in a matter of minutes. It's hard being a woman. It's probably also hard being married to a woman and having a woman as a mother. Namely, Me. But Cody and Atrion still seem to love me, so I guess I might not have been too bad.
We thought that Cody's new job would provide us with fabulous benefits, but they cut the insurance benefits down so low when he started that it wasn't worth the price because the deductible was so high and the benefits were not good. Darn. So close. Oh well. I decided to try the Tennessee medicaid which is called Tenncare, also known as "It sucks and no one accepts it anywhere". For three weeks I tried calling around to providers to see if they accepted Tenncare so that when I was approved for it, I wouldn't have to switch doctors. All of the places I knew to call did not accept it. I asked why and they said because Tenncare doesn't pay for anything. Basically the doctors don't want to give away their services and waste time when they could have other well-paying patients instead. Understandable. Stupid Tenncare. It took me 3 weeks to find a place that I could go to. I was completely stressed about this because I felt something was off. I needed to be seen. My morning sickness had disappeared. I was feeling a little more energetic. The spice cupboard didn't make me gag. Wasn't there a place that could just let me listen to my baby's heart beat? I was 10 weeks along and found some numbers for some clinics. The first one I called said it would be $100.00 for a urine test and they could see me in 4 weeks. I said "But I'm 10 weeks pregnant." She said "Do you want the appointment or not?". I took the appointment, hung up the phone, and started crying. Then, I went online and found the same website I used in my first pregnancy and ordered a Babybeat doppler recorder that would let me hear my baby's heart beat. If no one was going to help me, then I would do it myself. It would take two days to get there. After I placed the order, I was browsing the TN welfare website so that I could find someone to call and yell at when I came across a small link that led me to a page about clinics in the area that could help me. I finally found a clinic that does a sliding scale fee and I would only have to pay $25.00 a visit. About the same as a copay for insurance would be. Nice. And they could see me that evening. I honestly expected a dung hole of a place filled to the brim with sick, coughing, vomiting people. That's the price you have to pay for cheap care right? Luckily though, it was a beautiful office with nice receptionists (I had gotten my fill of rotten, cranky receptionists at this point), and not very many people waiting. I was there after business hours and so really no one was there. Just a receptionist, a nurse, and a doctor. Turns out he wasn't an experienced OBGYN, but was just a regular practitioner. He confirmed our pregnancy, but didn't want to do an exam. Instead he just got out the doppler. This was all fine by me. That's all I wanted. Let's hear this baby. Only he couldn't find the heartbeat. I was somehow prepared for that. He assured us that it was most likely his fault and that we should come back in the morning to have the actual OBGYN do the doppler. I was disappointed to have to prolong this experience, but I didn't cry. I knew something was wrong, but Cody had given me a blessing earlier that comforted me saying we would raise this baby and that it would be healthy and strong. I was confused. On the drive home, I started thinking about the maternity clothes I had just bought a few days earlier. I wondered aloud if I should return them. Cody looked at me and took my hand and said he thought everything was fine. We would go back in the morning and the doctor would find the baby's heart beat and we could stop stressing. I felt bad being negative because what if he was right? It was very surreal going home and having a regular evening (although Atrion was staying the night at cousin Carter's so it wasn't too regular). We had hamburgers and fries from Backyard Burgers...which is ridiculously overpriced, by the way. We watched a show or two. I read a bit. Cody played games. Then we went to bed. The next morning, we were up and at our appointment bright and early. I was very anxious and there was a lot of people waiting. They had squeezed us in so we had to wait longer. A woman was vomiting in the waiting room, this time. Suddenly it wasn't a very nice office anymore. After an hour and a half wait, we were called back to the exam room. We waited another twenty minutes and could hear the doctor in the room next to ours talking so maddeningly slow that is made me want to bash my head in the wall. Just let me hear my baby, people!!! Hurry the crap up!
At the point where I as going to jab a tongue depressor in my eye, the doctor finally came in. I think his last name was McAllister. That's probably wrong. I also have blocked out his face for some reason. I know he was skinny and around 50 years old. He also had a female assistant with him. He was very nice. But he still talked too slow and too much. I laid on the table as he assured me that sometimes you cannot detect a heartbeat until 12 weeks with the Doppler, but if he couldn't then he would perform and ultrasound. This was the best news. Well, he couldn't find a heartbeat with a Doppler, so they stepped out of the room while I got undressed. They came back in too quickly, but whatever since they were about to see a whole lot more of me. This time, they brought in another lady to help with the machine. Three strangers all staring at my lady parts. I didn't even care.
The doctor invited Cody back around to look at the monitor with him so he could see the baby. Right away, I heard the doctor say "There's baby". Then he moved the wand around and listed off other parts like my bladder and blah blah blah. Then he went back and said "Okay there's baby. I'm sorry, but there is no heart beat." I was extremely prepared for this. I had known it, right? I had felt that something was off. But no amount of preparation could ever make those words hurt less. I started sobbing immediately. The assistant and the nurse in the room both came over and hugged me and tried to comfort me as the doctor still probed to try and find when baby died. They were both crying. Cody had to lie on the floor because he felt light headed. I couldn't stop crying. Finally after what seemed like ages, the doctor was done with his measurements and probing. The baby was 9 weeks. It's little heart most likely stopped beating. There was nothing that could be done, and it was nobody's fault. I was allowed a minute to get dressed. They stepped out of the room and my sobbing turned into wailing as I clung to my husband. When they came back in, I was blindly putting my shoes on. The doctor talked for what seemed like hours, as I tried to hold back my tears. All I wanted to do was get out of there so I could grieve. He talked about how the cervix was closed and everything in tact, so it was technically called a missed abortion. The baby died, but my body hadn't yet decided to fully miscarry. He said I had three options: wait and see if my body does it naturally, he would give me two weeks; take pills that speed up the process; or have a d and c. The first one sounded the best to me in that moment. I needed time anyway to think about all of this. Yet, he talked on and on. I don't remember what he said after that. We were led out of the room, but instead of checking out we had to have my blood drawn because I couldn't remember my blood type. I had regained control over my crying mostly, but once we sat down to wait for the lab tech, I started up again. It went like that until we got to the car where I just broke down and cried a lot. The only thing I wanted in that moment was to have Atrion with me so I could hug him and snuggle him. Unfortunately he was 40 minutes away and our car wouldn't start. That seemed odd to me. I just wanted to leave this stupid place. With some persistence and a little swearing, Cody got it started. We drove to get Atrion when it was learned that he couldn't be brought to us. He has no idea why I was crying and hugging him so tight, but he hugged me back and let me hold him. He even patted my back and my hair and gave me a kiss.
**Warning: The Next Part is slightly Graphic**
That was on a Tuesday. By Thursday morning, I had come to accept that my baby that was growing inside me had died and that I should try and move on. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning on Friday. We made arrangements to have Atrion sleep over again at his cousins house. It was about 8:30 pm on Thursday night when I was pondering how I didn't want to be sedated but couldn't imagine not knowing when the miscarriage would happen naturally. I could wait for months, from what I read. That's when my body decided it was time. I felt a small "pop" and a gush. I got in the shower and stayed there for an hour and half because it was too much blood. Huge clots and lots of blood. I was terrified of seeing the little body. At about ten, I was still bleeding without any stop to the flow and was getting light headed. Cody called the hospital to let the nurses know we were coming. They said to just go to the ER and they would be there with a room waiting for us. So we went there, and the front desk girl just looked at us with a very irritated look and told us to fill out paperwork. I scoffed and said I was having a miscarriage and needed to be seen right away. She wrote down a little bit of our information and then disappeared through a door without saying anything. I was leaning on Cody and the front desk. My pants were soaked through with blood and it was still coming. The girl returned with a cup and said she needed a urine sample. I not so quietly refused by yelling "I am BLEEDING! A LOT!". Since she couldn't see my pants from behind the desk, I guess I don't blame her too much, but we had called ahead and they said there shouldn't be any problems. The girls told me to sit down and wait for the nurse. I moved to the side of the desk and stayed leaning against it. I didn't think she really would want me to sit and bleed all over the chairs. Cody ran to park the car in a non emergency zone at my request. He had left the car running too. So I figured it might be better to move it and lock it so that we would have a way to get home. I love him. He never wanted to leave my side. That's when large black nurse #1 came up behind me. She said "Oh girl! You soiled yourself!". I blinked at her a few times and said "I'm bleeding...possibly to death". She said, " I know, that's what I said". After that she only mumbled a bit. Cody made it back just in time for nurse #1 to take me to the back. They said he couldn't come. I was pissed, but they wouldn't budge. He had to sit in the emergency room with the crackheads and meth addicts wanting free drugs. They took my weight and blood pressure and were awed by how low it was. Ya think!! I am still mad at them. Anyways, they rolled me out in a wheelchair to take me to the triage room which was also filled with drug addicts. They parked me in what I thought was the middle of a hallway facing an obese black man also in a wheel chair, except he was facing the TV. His nurse might have been more considerate. I had no idea what was going on. The nurse didn't even talk to me for 5 minutes. I was writhing from the cramps and still bleeding everywhere. They didn't even give me a blanket. Finally, they wheeled me into the curtained off bed space. I had to take off all my clothes behind curtains that weren't properly closed. I didn't care enough to close them all the way. If they had let Cody come with me, he would have made sure they were closed. I put my soaked clothes in a bag the nurse held for me and tried to put on the gown. I was laying on the bed that had no pillow. I was all by myself, except for the 50 or so people squirming all around me in their beds and curtains as well the doctors (maybe there was just one), and nurses. Finally, a cranky white nurse came in smelling like a cigarette break and I asked her if they could get Cody for me. She said "No. We haven't got you all set up yet." And she tied a band around my arm for the IV. I was going to tell her that no one gets an IV in that arm and she should use the other one, but it was too late. She had already stuck my arm and was swearing like a sailor about the vein that suddenly disappeared. Then she tried my hand. That hurt worse than the cramping. She couldn't get it in there either. So she left. I honestly didn't think she was coming back. But she did. And she stuck me in the other arm and got it in just fine. She seemed like she was sort of freaking out, which made me freak out a little bit. Then Cody showed up and I cried for joy. A few minutes later, the doctor showed up all smiley and trying to crack jokes. He wheeled me to what I thought was a closet, but turned out to be a dusty exam room. (You never want the place where you have your most intimate body parts examined to be described as 'dusty'). They called an OBGYN Resident down to help clean out some blood clots and see why I was bleeding so much. It took about an hour for that. The resident was nice. He said that there was still a lot of tissue in my uterus and that it had blocked the cervix. My body was responding by trying to force it out with more blood. I had incredibly low blood pressure but not low enough to be too worried just yet. He gave me the three options again, but tried to push me towards taking pills that would open my cervix up more. I said no. I didn't want anymore painful cramps. I was already scheduled for a D&C anyway the next day so I would prefer the surgery. The bleeding had slowed a lot from the resident unblocking my cervix. I felt light headed and anxious still. Also, there were still no pillows for my head so I was very uncomfortable. They wheel me to the labor and delivery section and all the ER nurses realized I didn't have a bracelet or any paperwork done. Efficient. I guess I didn't even have a chart. Oh well. If the ER was hell, the labor and delivery was at least the terrestrial kingdom. It was quieter and the nurses were happier. I got a more private room. The woman Cody talked to on the phone was there and said she was waiting for us for the past three hours. We then learned that there were two emergency rooms and we went to the wrong one. Darn it. We waited for about 2-3 hours because I was stable and there was an emergency C-section that needed attended to. When the anesthesiologist was available (an awesome Korean woman with a thick accent and caterpillar eyebrows, I liked her instantly) they started prepping me with the usual IV fluids and medicines. I started freaking out. Remember, I was off my anxiety medication. That hurried them along. I remember being wheeled away from Cody who had to wait somewhere else again. They went into the wrong room first. And left me by myself again while they tried to find the right room. I was shivering with anxiety, sadness, and fear. Then they came and got me again and wheeled me into the right room. The doctor administered the sedative and I barely remember the other doctors and nurses getting my legs situated for the surgery. I woke up a little bit later thinking it had happened yet, but it was all over. I was in recovery with one nurse. I was covered with warm blankets and it was dark. I felt sleepy and my head was heavy and fuzzy. It went well. Cody was then led in. An hour later I was in paper scrubs, all the IV's out of me, and we were walking to the car. It seems weird to be able to get up and walk out of the hospital after all that. I slept for almost two days. My husband and sister were amazing. I got nice flowers from my mom. Everyone's facebook comments helped ,e feel just a tad better. I think I am doing well now. It was hard for the first week.
The doppler I had ordered came, and I just had to send it right back. I got email updates about the baby's progress that made me cry. I thought about Atrion's little baby clothes and I would cry. I still cry sometimes out of nowhere when a thought hits me.
I think about our excitement just a few weeks ago and I can't help but wonder if the next time will be as pure as that. Deep down will we be fearful of having another miscarriage and so we won't celebrate as much? I hope not.
Right now, I feel weird. I think that the lack of pillows in the hospital really screwed up my neck. I have had headaches for the past two weeks. My follow up visit went well. I am doing just fine...physically. Except for the headaches. Which might be caused by depression and tension. Time will tell.
I love my family. They are the most important thing in my life and I am excited to get back to Idaho to be near most of them. I just need Shy to stay put and Laura to move back as well. :) Make it happen. ;)
Also, if anything good has come out of this I think that my marriage is more solid and stronger because of it. I love him and feel like we can get through anything together.