Weak Things

It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been struggling with anxiety the last few days. That hasn't happened for a long time. When Caius woke up at 3:00 and wanted to nurse I couldn't go back to sleep. I just mulled and mulled and tossed and turned and tried not to wake Cody up with my awakeness. There are several things on my mind:

* the nursing/sleeping dilemma- People say that Caius will wean when he is ready, yet we got into the habit of nursing him to sleep...so will that ever really happen and how do we fix this? (Seriously...how? TELL ME!)

*Getting to church and attending all our meetings- Caius has never been to nursery by himself. Either me or Cody or his Grammy has been in there with him. He screams so bad it breaks my heart and I can't stand it. But I have to teach every other week and it's all just so hard. Going to church is hard for us. I don't know why, but it is. I like going to church but dragging the kids and my husband along gets pretty tiring after an already tiring week, and wait, aren't Sundays supposed to be peaceful and restful?

*Money. I need to stop spending money and save every single penny for a down payment on a house. but I like spending money...but I need to stop. But Zulily...

*Losing weight. I want to be skinny and healthy and feel good. But donuts. And it's coming on fall and that means pies and pumpkin chocolate chip bread! This is probably one of the bigger issues. I used to feel pretty and attractive and now I feel old and lumpy. I get sick of seeing my face in the mirror. Probably because I have gotten into the very bad habit of just seeing my flaws.

*Homeschooling is hard. It's hard and it's easy, but it's also hard. Sometimes I don't want to do it and sometimes Atrion doesn't want to do it and those are the hardest times. I do love it though. I love when we can work through things and I see Atrion grasp at a foreign concept and suddenly he just knows it. Ten seconds ago he didn't, and now he does. And the is a great thing to witness. Also, Caius is learning from it all too.

*I need to do better and be better.

So after mulling over all these things over and over again I decided I better get out of bed and really process them. It turns out the root of all these things is my lack of spirituality nowadays. I have gotten so caught up in daily life that I have put so many things on the back burner. Before I was a wife and a mom, I would take time to reflect and read and set goals. I was so content when I would do those things. I continued doing those things as a wife, but then we had kids and time for myself is suddenly nonexistent and so when I do get it I don't know what to do with it. We are good at family prayer and praying at meals. Everything else needs upgrading. :) So that's what I am going to start with. Here's a quote from Elder Ballard's talk to the Provo/Orem people about the simple things we need to do every day:
           "They include sincere daily prayer; faithful fasting; regular study and pondering of the scriptures and the words of the living prophets; making the Sabbath day a delight; partaking of the sacrament with humility and always remembering the Savior; worshiping in the temple as often as possible; and, finally, reaching out to the needy, poor, and lonely—both those close by and across the world."

I'm going to try and build my foundation stronger and hopefully these other, more trivial things like money and weight loss will be able to be tackled more purposefully. In Ether chapter 12 verse 27 it reads: 
        And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

So that's my fight song for the time being. I want to be strong and I know this is the way.